My Life As The Empty Stage

:):

"I'm not free from the pain I'm reeling" -Maroon5 'Rag Doll'-

Yeah, that was right. Sometimes I just wanna scream.

Sometimes I just don't really know what the hell is happening to me.

Sometimes I just wanna blame my self for every jealousy I have.

Sometimes I just wanna leave you, and the problems you caused.

Did I do everything right?

I already gave you everything I had, tried my best.

I may not crazy and shining,

like everybody else.

Then I realize,

I'm just a fool, I'm sorry for trusting you.

.

"Dan pekik kecilmu pada sebait lagu begundal lowokwaru,
masih terngiang di telingaku, membakar hatiku, masa depan itu ada, untuk aku dan kamu,
dan malaikat-malaikat kecil di pelukan kamu dan aku, kita satu" 

What Cancer Can't Do

cancer is so limited...
it cannot cripple love
it cannot shatter hope
it cannot corrode faith
it cannot eat away peace
it cannot destroy confidence
it cannot kill friendship
it cannot shut out memories
it cannot silence courage
it cannot invade the soul
it cannot reduce eternal life
it cannot quench the spirit

I suddenly think about my daddy *sorry, again* today.

I was googling for some themes for my old blackberry 8900,

then I got into this site www.ladyrubysthemes.com and I found this poem.

I remember that day when my daddy died in the cause of cancer,

but it couldn't stop me to love him, embrace him in my heart,

and still carry his spirit on.. :) <3

so much love for you Dad..

Gloomy Sunday

Playlist of The (Gloomy) Day:

1. Adele - Turning Tables

2. Bruno Mars - It Will Rain

3. Led Zeppelin - Since I've Been Loving You

4. Oasis - Champagne Supernova

5. Morrissey - The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get

i miss my dad.

here it is, the first album that my daddy made called "Anak Pantai".

i feel it was such a gift for me cause the album was published when i were born,

in January 1994. :)

the lyrics are not far from beachy themed, though there are some love songs too (for my mom, obviously), and the music is mostly reggae.

my dad is such a hard worker man. even though he's a lil bit temperamental and moody.

he's a family guy ;D

but some day there's a problem that made my daddo and mommi should walk the different way,

but still, he were always there for me. for my mom.

he's my hero for the rest of my life.

no matter what you've did in the past,

no matter how many mistakes have you made,

i still love you daddy, like the first time i born into this world.

no matter what,

Rest in Peace.



BDG FAIL TRIP

Mein Fakadub ;D

You're-so-eeewww! X(

Me, Unkle Pisang, Fakadub, Unkle Dhani

???

>.<

get off of my face, daaarrllll!

Glory Camden #1

Glory Camden #2

$@%^$!#$^(

Long Lost Twin Sister!

Yea, she's my best friend, Astrid; since I was in elementary school.

We lost contact for a while, just through virtual world,

and....

We meet again!

Mein Fakadub ;D

"You're still into writing a lot!!" said Astrid. 

This is the biatch that we talk about! *smooch

"hmmmm..."

Candid, by Fakadub

Still, Fakadub, and The (F)ashion (H)ates (M)e!

The best memories I had with Astrid is when we were in 6th grade,

she brought a Jack D and cola filled in a mineral water bottle,

then we ended up drunk in class! LOL xD

Boredom + Randomness

Like I said in the previous post, I don't feel really well today.

I was browsing for anything I can find, and then I found this in tumblr.

Why not try to answer these question to kill the time?

Has anyone told you “forever and ever” then left?

- Seems like every single person that said that to me, must be left me.

Your relationship status?

- Sorry boys, I'm taken.

Where did you meet your crush(es)?

- Is that your business?

Have you ever lost a close friend?

- Yes.

Do you smoke weed regularly?

- No.

Think back to the beginning of 2011. Are you still dating the same person?

- No.

Would you parents be mad if you were in a relationship?

- Mad of what? We're married!

When was the last time you really laughed?

- Yesterday.

Something is wrong. First guy you turn to?

- Fakadub

First girl you’d turn to?

- Mom.

Is there anyone who doesn’t like you because of something you did?

- Haha, they always gossiping me.

Angry at anyone?

- A lil bit close to tired of waiting.

What’s stopping you from going for the person you like?

- My own decision.

When was the last time you cried really hard?

- Yesterday. Like usual, mood swings.

Is there anyone you would do anything for?

- Yes. My Dad.

Who was the last person you talked to for more than 10 minutes on the phone?

- Fakadub

What is your favorite song?

- For now, Rancid - Dope Sick Girl

Do you like Red Bull?

- No.

How many people can you tell just about everything to?

- 2.

Have you ever wished on a shooting star?

- Only once. Then I cancelled it. I don't believe in them,

Does the last person you held hands with mean something to you?

- Yes.

Describe yourself in one word.

- Hard-headed

Do you have anything that belongs to your ex?

- Yes.

Can you honestly say you’ve had a sleepover with the opposite gender?

- Never.

Do you rebound?

- No.

Ever cheated on someone?

- Twice. And I regret it.

What would you do if you found out the person you like was in a relationship?

- Get mad for a while and go back to reality. Find someone else! Easy, right?

Do you act differently around the person you like?

- Yes, sometimes.

Honestly, what guy’s number do you have memorized?

- Fakadub.

Is it hard to make you laugh?

- No.

Who was the last person to make you mad?

- Fakadub

Do you think your last ex will eventually want to be with you again?

- No, NEVER.

Have you ever fallen asleep in someone’s arms?

- Yes.

Has anyone ever called you scrumptious before?

- Yes.

Would you like to put a night on repeat and live it forever?

- No.

Do you have a best friend that knows you inside and out?

- YES.

Is your best friend a slut?

- One of them.

Is hard drugs a turn off?

- YES!!

Are you happy with life right now?

- So-so.

Are you still in love with your ex?

- NO! Gimme a break!

Have you ever been the “other person” in a relationship?

- I'm married. Stop asking about relationship.

Have you ever had your heart broken?

- Yes.

Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

- Yes.

Is there anybody you’re really disappointed in?

- Yes.

Where is your best friend?

- In his life!

Something you’re happy about?

- My new blog.

How is your heart lately?

- Always had a mood swing.

COLD-TERROR

I don't feel very well today..

Yogykarta's weather is not kind!

Seems like I'm about to have flu, I can't do nothing,

just lay and stare at my laptop all day.. :(

I have an appoinment with Fakadub to go to Starbucks tonight.

Have some sip of caffeine and read good books..

I just bought 2 Chicken Soup with him a couple of days ago.

Chicken Soup for The Coffee Lover's soul and the other one is

Chicken Soup for The Shopper's Soul.

We both love coffee so much, and we like to window shopping sometime.

Make a to-buy-list together, tell what do we want each other. :D

looks good together right? :D

I really can't say NO to Iced Caramel Coffee Jelly Frappuccino!

Anyway,

I want a Varsity Jacket recently, but I haven't found the good one :(

Does anybody know where I can find the plain varsity around Jogja?

Hope I'll get it and get well soon..

Floral Navy Blue Long Sleeve

Light Wash Jegging

Sky Blue Shawl

White Faux-Fur Parka

Letter To God #2

Dear God.

Hello God,

It's me, Vava. It's been a long time, I never write a letter to You gain. Sometimes I miss You so bad. I'm awfully sure, You know that, without me should tell you. How's Your life? Been busy nowadays? Ramadhan month has come, right? Heheh. I'm deadly fine. Thanks to You for making my life way much better than before. And thanks for the angel You sent me three months ago.

Yea, the angel named Alimuddin Taufiq.

Everything turned wonderful since he appeared to my messy fucking life. You were right in choosing him for me. He can take care of me, accept me for who I am, understands me from the good to the bad, and hey God, do You know? My WHOLE family likes him! I love You so much God.

Now I know You're exist since finally You answered my wish.

Mmmm, God,

can I ask you something?

I just want You to keep him for me. Don't take him away from me. He is the only one, the last one I want. I know God, I've been bad and I don't believe in You. I know, I hurt You. I was wrong, God. But please, now, I'm begging You. I love him very much. I don't want to lose him for the rest of my life.

I'm so sorry God,

I asked You for something in a hurry. I'm at Dunkin Donuts right now, with the angel that You sent me. I couldn't ignore him for too long, I gotta talk to him. Doesn't mean I have no time for You, but yeah, You know. By the way, thanks for reading my letter. I heart You!

See You around, My Highness! <3

Love,

Vava

Hooorrraaayy!!

Ahoy everybody!

Let me introduce you all my lovely new tiny friend!

So, this is one of Sylvanian Families.

Sister Rabbit & Piano sets.

Surprisingly, my husband bought her for me this afternoon

at Kidz Station.

Cute, right?

I already named her, Cici

Such a lovely and adorable name :D

I've been wanting this set of Sylvanian Families for long time since I found it in PIM2.

First I thought like "Oh God, what for is this little thing if I buy it?"

But, geez, I couldn't resist if somebody give it to me! <3

I love Cici's floral halter dress,

in other way Sylvanian's Families sell the clothes for every character.

From dress, pyjama, suits, shoes..

Yeaa, I'm screaming SHOOEESS!

Later on, I'll start to save some bucks to buy Cici's need every month.

:D

And the piano, it comes out in white and baby pink for the chair,

match combination for her dress!

Thank you so much dear for gave me a new room mate!

Mucha hugs and kisses! XOXOXOXOXO

No Title

Yea just like Mr. Slim Shady said, I can't tell you what it really is.

I just feel like something made my heart squeezed.

Surely I'm pissed at the first time, then dying on the second line,

but i love that feeling when I'm hurting till I'm losing my mind.

First page of our chapter is a great history,

such a pretty serendipity,

but then I jumped out of my bed and see, guess what,

I found myself in such an autism jealousy.

She really looks like me, bang!

Trying to keep silent, let me drown in insanity.

Somebody warn me, and i ignored it.

Now I'm taking the risk, then for the first time I got hit!

Take a bottle of cheap wine, I have nothing more to do

Another shots of alcohol, don't worry, I still care about you

Yea, sort of my fellas, they give me the pills,

counting down, 3, 2, 1, then I took the thrill.

Who is she? The one with the purple wall,

I don't even know her name,

you made me throw my head to the bathroom stall,

slit my wrist, got me on bended knees off the ground,

with these shitty wound.

When I wake up, i got nothing else to lose,

all i need is only my boozes.

I keep that picture just to hurt myself to the bone,

and you don't even see me through my heart,

or it's just you postpone?

I'm drowning in pain, but I can't get up,

Stuck in memories, all I can do is hesitatin'

Nobody can pick me up!

You think I'm fine,

I'm covered in smile, but inside I'm cryin'

Apology, apology,

Is there another way to say good bye ba-a-by?

I don't wanna leave, I don't want to, Honeybee.

Swan Lake is on my playlist now, think I gotta shoot my head

Stupid, I don't have a gun, I'm going outta state.

Stiletto dagger, look back in anger,

I'm dumb, I'm numb, I can't stay any longer.

I packed up my bags, find a way to go,

Spit on our photographs, leaving to the unknown destination

About one mile I cancel it, i gotta face the situation.

Didn't hear the sirens ringing,

Again, I want my bottle tinkling,

Oh dear, what kind of a bitch am I?

When you appear, I try to stand up strong,

forget that lie that I cried by.

Baby you said that I'm a masochist,

come on hit me with your best shot,

I don't need anything, just blow me a kiss!

Kapanpun Itu

Terus, teruslah berlari!

Aku ada di sampingmu walau jarum berhenti berdetik,

atau hari ini tak terekam sejarah!

Atau ketika kau terjerembab akan fakta ataupun realita,

aku akan menarikmu kembali tegak menantang lintasan kehidupan!

Pegang tanganku,

kita adalah peluru, memicu peluh,

lalu kita akan membuat suatu ledakan hebat!

Tak perlu tenggelam dalam rasa takutmu,

karena aku akan menyelam dan membawamu

hingga tiada satu orang pun dapat melihat!

Hingar bingar.

Tanjaki setiap nada sampai melengking.

Dihantam ke bawah, mendekati yang paling rendah.

Sudah kita lewati, bukan?

Fajar memanggil kau dan aku, dapatkah kau dengar?

Matahari mengajak mata terpejam,

dan kita akan terperanjak betapa kau dan aku menapaki waktu,

menghabiskannya hingga bulan sabit muncul kembali mengajak menari.

Bantah saja mereka!

Bibir-bibir nyinyir lontarkan rajam untuk menelan kita dari kerak bumi.

Sekali lagi, jangan takut!

Kalaupun kau dan aku ditelan bumi,

aku akan tetap meraih jari-jarimu!

Maka teruslah berlari!

Bersamaku!

Letter To God #1

Tuhan.
Aku menulis untuk Tuhan walaupun aku tidak tahu siapa Tuhanku.
Walaupun aku tidak mengerti apa itu arti Tuhan.
Tetapi satu yang ku pegang teguh tentang Tuhan.
Dia yang Maha Mengetahui. Dia yang menciptakan alam semesta.

Tuhan.
Aku yakin, Kau itu pasti ada!
Walaupun Kau egois, Kau yang memiliki kuasa atas segalanya,
namun Kau masih meminta kami untuk menyembah-Mu.
Kau yang memberi aku hidup.
Dan Kau pula yang memberi aku cobaan.
Berulang kali Tuhan! Kau beri aku cobaan tanpa bosan!
Aku bosan dengan cobaan tetapi Kau tetap melimpahkannya padaku!
Sepertinya Asmaul Husna akan bertambah satu menjadi bulat seratus,
Yang Maha Tanpa Bosan.

Tuhan.
Jika boleh aku bertanya, untuk apakah cobaan-cobaan ini?
Untuk meyakinkanku bahwa aku kuat?
Tuhan, awalnya aku terlalu kuat, namun lama kelamaan habis kuatku.
Karena apa? Karena cobaan-Mu! Sadarlah!
Atau, untuk meyakinkanku bahwa aku masih merasa sakit, yang berarti aku masih hidup?
Tuhan, lama kelamaan aku malah merasa bahwa aku ini hanya mayat berjalan!
Aku ini mati suri, Tuhan!

Tuhan,
cukup lama Kau tekan aku,
cukup lama Kau beri aku masalah.
Tuhan, aku benar-benar minta maaf. Sungguh.
Namun kau jahat! Kau jahat Tuhan! Maafkan aku!
Kau selalu memfetakompli aku!
Kau beri aku masalah, yang harus aku selesaikan,
lalu Kau pergi entah kemana meninggalkan aku dengan masalah yang sudah Kau rencanakan!
Dimana Engkau waktu aku butuh Kau untuk membantuku?
Persetan kalimat hamba-hamba-Mu yang berkata bahwa Kau selalu ada untuk umat-Nya!
Persetan semuanya, Tuhan!!!

Apa itu?!
Kau bilang aku jauh dari-Mu!
Namun mengapa setiap manusia yang aku temui selalu bilang;
"Tuhan itu lebih dekat daripada urat nadimu!"

Kau suka sekarang, Tuhan?
Kau suka ini semua?
Kau suka melihat umat-Mu yang ragu,
mengetik dengan seluruh syarafnya bergetar hanya karena ia benci oleh-Mu?
Puas, Tuhan?
Ini yang Kau inginkan?
Sekarang sudah terjadi, sudah aku lakukan untuk-Mu!

Maaf Tuhan,
tapi kali ini aku sungguh-sungguh tak percaya ada-Mu.
Kau yang membuat aku berputar pikiran,
mulanya aku bergantung pada-Mu, menyebut nama-Mu,
dalam setiap detak jantungku, dalam setiap situasi terjebak,
dalam setiap pertengkaran aku dan suamiku, dalam waktu aku kehilangannya!

Namun,
mana wujud-Mu?
Mana bantuanmu untuk aku yang disebut orang lain sebagai umat-Mu?
Mana mukjizat-Mu?

Tuhan,
jangan ambil nyawaku.
Ambil saja setiap rasa cemburuku.
Ambil saja perasaanku.
Ambil saja hatiku Tuhan!

Karena aku bosan mati suri,
aku bosan mati rasa,
aku bosan dengan keadaanku yang seperti ini.

Maaf telah membuang waktu-Mu dengan membaca kalimat-kalimat seorang agnostik seperti aku,
aku yang tak percaya ada-Mu, aku yang tak percaya kuasa-Mu, aku yang tak percaya diriku sendiri.

Terima Kasih makhluk bernama Tuhan.
:)

22-06-04 -- 22-06-010

Dad,

it's been a long time i haven't seen your face,

and it seems like i'll never do..

Dad..

i'm writing to you not to tell you that i still hate you,

just to ask you how you feel,

are you happy out there in this great wide world?

when you lay your head down, how do you sleep at night?

do you even wonder if we're alright?

but me and mom are alright :)

don't ever worry dad,

hope you have all the peace in heaven..

i know, and i really could really realize everything dad,

it's been a long hard road without you by my side.

i DO need you, we DO NEED YOU right here..

me and mom need you right now..

dad,

why did you leave us in the night that we cried so hard?

i don't blame you dad, i just want to know,

what was on your mind?

did you think about mommy? did you think about me?

okay, it's an old story and we don't need to talk about that anymore..

you broke my mother's heart, you broke your daughter for life.

it's not okay, but i can make you sure that we're alright..

though without you (:

i remember the day you were a hero in my eyes,

but those are just a long lost memory of mine.

i've spent so many years learning how to survive,

now i'm writing just to let you know that i'm still alive.

for you.

that day,

we spent so cold, so hungry.

we had all the hate to be given to you,

i was so hungry.

but i know mommy didn't had any bucks.

do ya remember dad?

now i'm trying to remind you..

you only left me a scar, a deep deep scar.

mommy tried to give me those f@#kin doctrine,

for me, for me to hate ya.

i'm still a kid, i must take those baby steps to know what the f@#k really happen that day.

but all i remember is Bababh took me away from your hellhouse,

and since that i never see your face anymore.

forget it,

i'll bring these story right to my grave..

and sometimes i forgive,

yeah, and this time i'll admit,

that i miss you,

yes, i do miss you Dad..

like a shattered dreams that i've always pray,

you've gone to heaven without ever say goodbye,

this date dad, right in the day you were born.

June twenty second two thousand and four..

left me here alone, but i should stay home..

saw your face for the last time,

and your creature disappeared by the ground.

me and mommy,

we did, we do, and we will always love you..

though we're far away, i couldn't see you,

i'll never ever touch you, i'll never could hug you..

we will longed for you.

Rest in Peace,

Abdul Firman Jusuf Saad

(Imanez)

karena sebuah senyuman berarti segalanya

kau hanya tinggal tersenyum sayang!

tak perlu kau kuras keringat dan buang-buang tenaga, karena senyumanmu adalah suatu kebahagiaan tersembunyi di celah emosiku. mungkin mentari pagi takkan seterang saat ini apabila kau sedang terbang entah dimana dan tak kenal aku. aku hanya sebuah serpihan tak tahu planet apa yang berterbangan tanpa orbit dan akhirnya tenggelam dalam penyesalan lubang hitam.

kau hanya tinggal tersenyum sayang!

lupakan semua perihmu karena sekarang pelangi dan kupu-kupu menantimu untuk pergi bawamu ke dunia dimana kau bisa temukan kesenanganmu. biarkan aku redup diantara genangan penyesalan atas luka yang ku buat di masa lalu. aku terperangkap, dan terbebani oleh semua perasaan bersalah atasmu, tak akan pernah bisa keluar dari labirin ini. dan sekali lagi biarkan rasa ini jadi rasa sakitku sendiri.

kau hanya tinggal tersenyum sayang!

tolong bantu aku untuk lepas dari tekanan ini, dengan sebuah senyuman dari bibirmu dan hanya itu! itu penawar dari berat di hatiku! kau pikir beban ini hanya seberat biji sawi dan tak berarti apa-apa bagiku serta masa dimana aku masih bisa hirup oksigen dan hembuskan karbon dioksida? tidak, sayang! ini sungguh buatku sekarat!

kau hanya tinggal tersenyum!